“The reason why people don’t want to hear the truth about them is because they are afraid that their illusions about themselves might be destroyed.”
― Unknown 

I am a dynamic figure, often seen lifting heavy things. I have been known to remodel quantum theory on my lunch breaks, being very careful not to ever divide by Zero. I write award-winning (if I wanted to let people see it) screenplays, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for two days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike bantering skills, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Muffins in twenty minutes. I am an expert in accounting, a journeyman in love, and a novice in badminton.

Using only a shovel and a large bottle of diesel, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Kalahari from a horde of ferocious red ants. When I’m bored, I recite all the world’s alphabets backwards, in alphabetical order. On Wednesdays, after work, I fight crime with by trusty sidekick, MediocreDog.

I am an abstract analyst, a concrete artist, and a post-modern visionary . Critics worldwide are enthralled by my sheer humility. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number ninety nine and have won the lottery six times, usually just before I wake up. Children trust me.

I can hurl squash rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for ***** [Censored]. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Turkey, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me all the time.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact Feng Shui. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but I lost the Post-It I wrote it down on, and I have spoken with Elvis.